Deciphering David Cameron's Cli[e)mate Talk

An annotated transcript of the speech of British Prime Minister to the UN Climate Summit in New York yesterday.

It would be a pity were the rest of the world to take David Cameron at face value.

Climate change is one of the most serious threats facing our world. And it is not just a threat to the environment. It is also a threat to our national security [because the securitisation my primary lens, forget the huskies, check out my resilience speak], to global security, to poverty eradication and to economic prosperity.
And we must agree a global deal in Paris next year [Weaker countries must submit to the neoliberal order] . We simply cannot put this off any longer [I probably wont be in power then so you can switch off now. Hey! where is everybody? ] .
And I pay tribute to Secretary General Ban for bringing everyone together here today and for putting real focus on this issue [And my respect for parroting Israeli talking points during their attack on Gaza last month] .
Now my country, the United Kingdom [ just about, pending investigations of referendum rigging] , is playing its part [yet as a key industrial originator of petro urban industrialisation] .
In fact, it was Margaret Thatcher who was one of the first world leaders to demand action on climate change, right here at the United Nations 25 years ago [That great environmentalist! of course that was why she closed the coal pits!].
Now since then, the UK has cut greenhouse gas emissions by one quarter [not when you consider indirect carbon emissions] . We have created the world’s first Climate Change Act [That was Labour] . And as Prime Minister, I pledged that the government I lead would be the greenest government ever [ah the huskies, nobody believed you by the way] . And I believe we’ve kept that promise [Liar, your cuts and policies have moved us backwards is that was even possible. Local authorities have slashed their climate work, the green deal retrofit scheme was intentionally stupid and failed, cutting the feed in tariff by half for renewables effectively killed that scheme, your approval of fracking is disgusting and your first environmental minister Caroline Spellman was a lobbyist for the flippin GMO industry]
We’ve more than doubled our capacity in renewable electricity in the last 4 years alone. We now have enough solar to power almost a million UK homes [no thanks to you. if you want to shift to renewables try Good Energy and Ecotricity] . We have the world’s leading financial centre in carbon trading [which is a failed idea, like raping your way to chastity] . And we have established the world’s first green investment bank. We’ve invested £1 billion in Carbon Capture and Storage. And we’ve said no to any new coal without Carbon Capture and Storage [wow did you just offset your last sentence?] . We are investing in all forms of lower carbon energy including shale gas [Fracking, which we will resist] and nuclear, with the first new nuclear plant coming on stream for a generation [in our great post Fukishima wisdom] .
Now, as a result of all that we are doing, we are on track to cut emissions by 80 per cent by 2050 [no we are not, even excluding indirect emissions from consumption] . And we are playing our role internationally as well [Climate Change is UK PR, especially after we helped to destroy Iraq], providing nearly £4 billion of climate finance over 5 years as part of our commitment to spend 0.7 per cent of our Gross National Income on aid [which invariably goes to subsidies the lifestyles and brainwashing of sections of the overseas upper middle classes]. And we are one of the only countries in the advanced world to do that and to meet our promises.
We now need the whole world though to step up to deliver a new, ambitious, global deal which keeps the 2 degree goal within reach [We certainly wont be investing much political capital in it] . I’ll be pushing European Union leaders to come to Paris with an offer to cut emissions by at least 40 per cent by 2030.
We know from Copenhagen that we are not just going to turn up in Paris and reach a deal. We need to work hard now to raise the level of ambition and to work through the difficult issues. To achieve a deal we need all countries, all countries to make commitments to reduce emissions. Our agreement has to be legally binding, with proper rules and targets to hold each other to account [How do we hold you and those you serve to account?].
We must provide support to those who need it, particularly the poorest and most vulnerable [That's why you've cut welfare, housing provisions and poverty and foodbanks are rampant in the UK]. It is completely unrealistic to expect developing countries to forgo the high carbon route to growth that so many Western countries enjoyed, unless we support them to achieve green growth [ sounds ominous] . Now, if we get this right there need not be a trade-off between economic growth and reducing carbon emissions [false notion to support status quo, with a few solar panels and double glazing, nice one dave].
We need to give business [riight....because the only solution is a market solution] the certainty it needs to invest in low carbon. That means fighting against the economically and environmentally perverse fossil fuel subsidies which distort free markets and rip off taxpayers [ Why does fracking remain subsidised in the UK?]. It means championing green free trade [preventing indigenous technological development in the decolonising world yipee!], slashing tariffs on things like solar panels [and feed in tariffs you berk]. And it means giving business the flexibility to pick the right technologies for their needs.
In short we need a framework built on green growth not green tape [ false god of growth].
As political leaders we have a duty to think long-term. When offered clear scientific advice, we should listen to it. When faced with risks, we should insure against them [so why are you foot dragging on flood insurance?]. And when presented with an opportunity to safeguard the long-term future of our planet and our people [ Who are your people really?] , we should seize it.
So I would implore everyone to seize this opportunity over the coming year. Countries like the United Kingdom have taken the steps necessary. We’ve legislated. We’ve [play]acted. We’ve [dis]invested. And I urge other countries to take the steps that they need to as well so we can reach this historic deal.
Thank you.